A while back I bit the bullet and decided to try online dating.  For the most part, it was a mixed experience.  Some true douche bags, but also some really nice guys with whom I failed to find a love connection but in some cases, added them to my circle of friends.  For whatever reason, maybe because I had 700 other things on my mind I forgot to cancel my account before going into surgery and suddenly, post surgery I start getting all of these messages.  I don’t know if people with similar interests joined or if the stars were aligned differently, but here I am in recovery mode trying to figure out how to answer these people who sound like perfectly nice men.  Some with terrible grammar, which is one of my deal breakers, but nice none the less.  Now, I should add that I think if someone reaches out online, it’s only polite to respond by expressing interest in starting a dialogue or by saying you seem like a nice guy, but really not what I’m looking for right now.  Sadly, my responses are frighteningly similar to what I say to playwrights when I reject their plays- but moving on.

But my sick, post surgery brain wanted so badly to respond as such:

Thanks for getting in touch, but there are a few things you ought to know before we proceed.  I recently got a double mastectomy and a full hysterectomy due to a genetic predisposition to cancer.  Right now, while my boobs are very perky, they are filled with what I can only describe as metal plates so I could conceivably do damage while making out with you.  Also, I nap twice a day and I can’t remember a single thing due to percocet and valium so if I sleep through said make out session and then completely forget your name please don’t take it personally.  Oh, and in case the full hysterectomy didn’t clue you in, I’m in menopause at 40 so my mood can swing like Tarzan on a fucking vine.

Now, needless to say, I didn’t post this response to these poor defenseless chaps who like the rest of us, are just looking for a nice person with whom we can spend some quality time.  But, I couldn’t get the thought out of my sick little twisted brain so I thought I’d share it with all of you- and for those of you who have been through this surgery- you most of all- I know you know of what I speak.  Maybe six months from now when my surgeries are completed- I actually have nipples again and the worst of my post-surgical angst has gone I’ll be able to face one of those sites again- but it ain’t likely.  This experience has changed far more than just my physical self, it has changed who I am.  Having made a hard choice to change in order to prolong my life, it’s only worth it if I make that life better and that will mean opening up to possibilities that I have been too afraid to even consider up until now.  I’m not knocking online dating- I know plenty of people who have met and fallen in love that way.  But you have to know what you want when you enter into that fray, and it will be some time before I reach that level of clarity.  Until then, I’ll be swinging from the vines if you need me…