This is a lesson in talking to your doctors.  And talking, and talking…

After my last post in which I described my disappointment at being unable to proceed with the removal of the expanders for another three months, I decided to follow up with my general practitioner and express my frustration.  It turns out, he had forgotten that I still had the expanders in.  Now before you respond with horror at this oversight, cut him some slack.  I am a walking medical chart with so many problems there is no way he could track each one at all times and still manage other patients.   He asked me to come to talk about options and promptly referred me to a vascular surgeon to see what might be done to resolve the remaining blood clot.

I saw the vascular surgeon today and he said that the chances of the clot clearing the next three months are slim but as we know the cause (the theory is the IV from the initial surgery caused the clotting) and the location of the clot (in my mid-arm) is not all that dangerous, that I can go ahead and have the surgery as planned on the 15th of November.

Now, it may seem strange to jump up and down over getting to have surgery- but just to recap, this means the hard metal and plastic expanders that have been serving as my breasts for the last four months are coming out and being replaced by some soft, let’s call it breast-adjacent- substance.  So in my near future I can look forward to sleeping on my stomach, not being frisked at airport security, not wincing every time I have to reach behind me, and most of all, not having to anticipate another big surgery.  The two biggies will be behind me, and maybe I’ll be able to move forward in a way I haven’t been able to yet.  Maybe I will be able to really focus on the future and not think of it as something at which I am simply trying to arrive.

I think that we all have a tendency to put our lives on hold when we are staring down major medical obstacles.  How often have I heard, “”just get through this first and then you can deal with x y & z.”   But I recently realized that I have been treating my entire life as though I am…done.  The book has been written and sealed and that’s the end of it.  As though my future was simply something to be held steady.  Fuck that.  Having made it through , the last thing I want is anything to be held steady.  As Missie keeps reminding me- “as long as we’re going to live we may as well…”

So send suggestions.  I have a big wish list but the world is a huge place and I guarantee there are things I have never even thought of that I know I’d love to do.  In the meantime, I am going to try to stay calm, to do what my doctors say, to remember that menopause is temporary and most of all, to make plans, toss them aside if need be, and make some more plans…