It turns out she was at work.  Once I got there, and rejoined the land of the living, much of my navel gazing pessimism wore off and was replaced by true gratitude to have a job I love and that gives me a sense of purpose.  On two occasions during my first week back in the office, my colleagues asked me if i was taking large doses of painkillers as I seemed to have a euphoric expression much of the time.  No, the percocet is at a minimum at this point, I was just that happy to be back at my desk, beginning rehearsals on a new play, and finally accepting the fact that the worst of this is behind me.  The next few surgeries are far less invasive and by May I should be all put back together.  I have assurances from all the kings horses and all the kings men.

It turns out that with these hormonal surges due to menopause, the worst thing for me was having too much time on my hands.  I began a downward spiral of focusing on what I didn’t have.  With my return to work, I am far more inclined to focus on what I do have.  I have a colleague who was recently laid off from the theater and it has been brutal for her and for many of us who love and respect her as a co-worker.  She too has had numerous health problems over the past few years and I worry that without the theater on which to focus, she will slide into the place in which I had found myself- questioning everything and cursing the missing pieces of my life.  While I believe that there is something better out there for her, that another theater or not for profit will snatch her up for her expertise in her field, I think of her every day and how difficult it must be to keep calm and carry on without the job upon which she depended for so many years.  This is so sharply in focus for me as I move as quickly as possible from task to task at the office in order to try and get through the very long list of things I need to accomplish before 6:00 everyday.  I have two great loves in my life- my son and my career and they have lead me back to my optimism even as I combat the raging hormonal hag within me who wants me sobbing over a thousand piece puzzle and questioning what the future holds in terms of my health, in terms of my ability to move beyond what is unattainable, and mostly in terms of losing more than I have gained in the past few years.

But the optimist- who will not be denied her say, rises from the ashes and reminds me that the future isn’t set in stone.  I am doing everything I can to live a long and healthy life and I am hopefully going to have many people continuing on this journey as I move through it.  Tonight I had dinner with my sister and my cousin to celebrate that my cousin, with whom I share my BRCA grandparents, is negative for both genes.  In addition we celebrated my sister’s remission and my having gotten though the worst of the procedures to protect my future.  We are celebrating having moments that most people take for granted everyday.  An opportunity to live without fear of what’s next on the cancer front.  Instead, we chatted about work and future vacations and sex, just like normal people with normal problems that don’t involve genetic anomalies.

This is the woman I know- the one who can laugh at misfortune while taking steps to change the path.  And this path can lead me anywhere as long as I continue to turn on the ghost light on stage instead of cursing the darkness.