Update Shmupdate

In Uncategorized on October 15, 2012 at 9:40 pm

So I have been waiting to write a post until I felt better as I hate to go all negative Nellie when I write, but shit just keeps hitting the fan.  So I’ll do a brief update now and hope that when next I write things are a bit sunnier.

To begin, menopause is really beating me up at the moment.  Today I described it to my doctor as feeling like my mood is the equivalent of nails down a black board.  I do everything I can think of to combat it.  If I am restless at home, I go out.  If my concentration is for shit, I change my method of working.  If I am eager to punch someone in the face, I make a point to find someone I really detest and then I just go ahead and do it- for Christ sake, I have to blow off steam somehow.  I asked if there was ANYTHING that can be done to stabilize what feels like constant, full blown PMS and my doctor said we might try Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant that can be used in conjunction with Cymbalta, the other anti-depressant I take for MS nerve pain, but I remembered that my neurologist told me that Wellbutrin wasn’t allowed for MS patients as it has possible seizure side effects.  So- back to the drawing board, or the black board as it were.

And it’s not enough to be a depressed, painfully impatient hag with metal and plastic boobs without nipples- you know, reminiscent of barbie’s boobs.  To add insult to injury, life has to continue to go on.  And this state doesn’t allow me to take things in stride.  This week forced me to contend with the sudden viral death of my son’s new kitten, the imminent feeling of powerlessness that comes with the exit of people I love, and news that my blood clots are not clearing up.  So what does this mean in the grand scheme of the BRCA battle.

Until the clots clear I cannot go off of the blood thinners, which were supposed to be complete on the 20th of this month leaving me cleared for surgery on November 15th.  Due to this recent development, I will not be able to have the expanders removed until February, assuming the clots decide to clear after 6 months.  Which means that my reconstruction will now not be complete until September of 2013.  It will be more than a year of treatments, surgeries, blood thinners, and menopause with no hormone replacement therapy and let me tell you- I am not Miss Mary fucking sunshine about these developments.

But what can I do.  A friend suggested primrose oil for my menopausal symptoms- I’ll ask the team if that’s an okay alternative therapy and pray it calms my nerves a bit.  I’ll look into acupuncture and acupressure for treatment of blood clots.  I’ll continue to work, to write, to take care of my son as he mourns the death of his sweet little cat, and I will probably get him a new one before the year is out, after he has had a chance to process this in his 8 year old manner.

I’ll also take painkillers when the expanders hurt- because I’ve lifted too much, walked too much, travelled too much or done anything else that normal people do everyday.  And I’ll wait, impatiently most likely, but I’ll wait to have these pieces of metal and plastic changed out for something that resembles real breasts.

When I started on this journey, I had no idea how hard and long it was going to be.  I know it’s a means to an end- I see the bigger picture and all of that crap that I have been saying to keep myself afloat since this all began, but right now I’d just like to lie on my stomach- or even my side- and not be deterred by the pain inherent in having robot parts instead of body parts.

I know this isn’t the end of the world,  I get that.  I have still reduced my cancer risk from 97% to 4% at least where breast cancer is concerned, but I have begun to wonder at what point things might ease up a bit.  I could use some joy, some pain free days, some relief from worry and someone to tell me it’s all going to be okay and for me to actually believe them.

I feel like a living version of “you couldn’t make this shit up if you tried.”  That isn’t the slogan I’m going for, so I guess I’ll just have to keep moving until the reality of my life and the hope I have for it meet somewhere in the middle.

  1. I hope that just writing about all that crap and getting it out of you and into the universe lightened your burden just a bit. You have some inner strength down in there that is being tested, for sure.
    On a side note, I like the title of this entry. The Yiddish sounding use of “shm” in front of a word after saying it once without is very liberating in a dismissive way. Love you. Hang in there.

  2. body{font-family: Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:9pt;background-color: #ffffff;color: black;}

    a long time ago yesterday, one afternoon in Wake Forest, NC,, I sat next to a most dignified elder Lady (note capital L) on a swing, on a little porch, at an old brick home. I had to tell her that her beloved grandson and I were no longer pursuing marriage, as the children played about our feet. Her bony hand grasped mine and she said, “Remember this: out of the mud some butterfly always rises”. She also remarked how the Psalms had been a  great consolation and source of poetry and wisdom in her life.  All I can say is this: look for any butterfly, just in that one moment it passes by, searching for its flowers. Just in that one moment, breathe and take delight in in the sheer miracle of that moment: something utterly beautiful dancing about you, in mid-air, and your eyes that see it, including the color..yesterday and all day Sunday there were bright yellow butterflies, little ones, all around the orange Lantana and elsewhere..didn’t seem to matter how they got there or why or what they were doing, or even why I was there to see them. We just was magnificent. Every little part counts toward a whole. (whole-ness?) By the way, that Lady was married a little over a year when her husband died of some grim thing of the early 1900’s. Her son was born a few months after that..For me, .somehow,  her history added to her counsel…she went on, after his death, to become the librarian of Wake Forest College and had an interesting life….I didn’t see her very often, but her words have stayed with me a lifetime long.

  3. I would go insane, seriously, if I couldn’t lay on my stomach or side for this long, much less all the other things you’re dealing with. For the four weeks I could only sleep on my back I was very grumpy. I wish there was more I could do or say other than you’re an inspiration, even when you want to punch someone in the face, and I love you lots!

  4. You know Amy, I admire you a great deal for finding a way through the craziness! You inspire me to forge on with humor and optimism even when I my peri-menopausal self is on the verge of meltdown and I am not sure I can deal with the stress around me. You are a beautiful spirit now as you were when I first met you!

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