So I have been waiting to write a post until I felt better as I hate to go all negative Nellie when I write, but shit just keeps hitting the fan.  So I’ll do a brief update now and hope that when next I write things are a bit sunnier.

To begin, menopause is really beating me up at the moment.  Today I described it to my doctor as feeling like my mood is the equivalent of nails down a black board.  I do everything I can think of to combat it.  If I am restless at home, I go out.  If my concentration is for shit, I change my method of working.  If I am eager to punch someone in the face, I make a point to find someone I really detest and then I just go ahead and do it- for Christ sake, I have to blow off steam somehow.  I asked if there was ANYTHING that can be done to stabilize what feels like constant, full blown PMS and my doctor said we might try Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant that can be used in conjunction with Cymbalta, the other anti-depressant I take for MS nerve pain, but I remembered that my neurologist told me that Wellbutrin wasn’t allowed for MS patients as it has possible seizure side effects.  So- back to the drawing board, or the black board as it were.

And it’s not enough to be a depressed, painfully impatient hag with metal and plastic boobs without nipples- you know, reminiscent of barbie’s boobs.  To add insult to injury, life has to continue to go on.  And this state doesn’t allow me to take things in stride.  This week forced me to contend with the sudden viral death of my son’s new kitten, the imminent feeling of powerlessness that comes with the exit of people I love, and news that my blood clots are not clearing up.  So what does this mean in the grand scheme of the BRCA battle.

Until the clots clear I cannot go off of the blood thinners, which were supposed to be complete on the 20th of this month leaving me cleared for surgery on November 15th.  Due to this recent development, I will not be able to have the expanders removed until February, assuming the clots decide to clear after 6 months.  Which means that my reconstruction will now not be complete until September of 2013.  It will be more than a year of treatments, surgeries, blood thinners, and menopause with no hormone replacement therapy and let me tell you- I am not Miss Mary fucking sunshine about these developments.

But what can I do.  A friend suggested primrose oil for my menopausal symptoms- I’ll ask the team if that’s an okay alternative therapy and pray it calms my nerves a bit.  I’ll look into acupuncture and acupressure for treatment of blood clots.  I’ll continue to work, to write, to take care of my son as he mourns the death of his sweet little cat, and I will probably get him a new one before the year is out, after he has had a chance to process this in his 8 year old manner.

I’ll also take painkillers when the expanders hurt- because I’ve lifted too much, walked too much, travelled too much or done anything else that normal people do everyday.  And I’ll wait, impatiently most likely, but I’ll wait to have these pieces of metal and plastic changed out for something that resembles real breasts.

When I started on this journey, I had no idea how hard and long it was going to be.  I know it’s a means to an end- I see the bigger picture and all of that crap that I have been saying to keep myself afloat since this all began, but right now I’d just like to lie on my stomach- or even my side- and not be deterred by the pain inherent in having robot parts instead of body parts.

I know this isn’t the end of the world,  I get that.  I have still reduced my cancer risk from 97% to 4% at least where breast cancer is concerned, but I have begun to wonder at what point things might ease up a bit.  I could use some joy, some pain free days, some relief from worry and someone to tell me it’s all going to be okay and for me to actually believe them.

I feel like a living version of “you couldn’t make this shit up if you tried.”  That isn’t the slogan I’m going for, so I guess I’ll just have to keep moving until the reality of my life and the hope I have for it meet somewhere in the middle.